Our Baby Went to Heaven- Week 10 Pregnancy Update

Well, this update is quite depressing.And warning - it is very long. We went in for our appointment at 10 week and 1 day, only to find out that Baby B passed away. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am always nervous when I go to ultrasounds, but this was our 4th one and all of the other ones went great. The babies always had strong heart beats and measured well in size.  I felt confident going in this time that both babies would be fine. After seeing strong heartbeats and hearing them, the chance of miscarriage drops to like 5% for most people. I even had an ultrasound one week prior and both babies were doing well! I felt like everything was going to go well.

When I went in for the ultrasound, I told the tech that I wanted to do it trans-vaginally so I could see the babies better. She said we could try doing it abdominal first, and then switch to trans-vaginal if I wanted a better look. I said a quick prayer before the ultrasound while holding hubby's hand. The tech found Baby A briefly, and even let us hear the strong heartbeat. I believe it was 152. The picture was so grainy since it was done over the tummy. I could see the baby move some, but it was hard to see exactly what was going on. 

She then went on to start looking for Baby B. She didn't really look very long at all. Maybe just 5 or 6 seconds total. I don't even know how she had enough time to see anything. She then told me I could go empty my bladder, and we could switch to trans-vaginal after that so she could get a better look. 

Once I came back from the restroom, we started the trans-vaginal ultrasound. I didn't think anything of her having a hard time finding Baby B because that baby was the furthest away, and many techs have a harder time finding it. Baby A is the closest to the cervix, and therefore easy to spot. She found Baby B, and then said words I will never forget, " It looks like Baby B doesn't have a heart beat." I just kinda sat there shocked thinking she was going to find it. I kept looking at my husband, and then back at her to see if she made a mistake. She just kept saying the baby didn't have a heart beat, and then began to apologize. I immediately lost it and broke down. 

I will never forget seeing my precious baby laying there lifeless on the screen. It was as if he/she was just floating in space or something. I kept looking at the screen hoping to see the flicker of a heartbeat...but nothing happened. She kept trying to get me to look at Baby A and how healthy it was. Apparently he/she was moving up a storm. I yelled, "No!" at her and covered my eyes while sobbing uncontrollably. As she was getting ready to print off the pictures, I asked if I could also have one of Baby B. She gave me three pics of Baby A, and one of  Baby B.

 I was then told to get dressed (while I was breaking down), and go sit in the waiting area.
They then called me over to weigh in and etc. The lady was so rude to me. I was crying and she knew I was upset. She was not even sympathetic at all, and had a very rude tone. She then sat me down and tried to force me to do blood work. I told her I wanted to wait because I wanted to ask the doctor if I could do the Materniti21 test in addition to my normal bloodwork. She then hassled me about not being old enough to take the test (you have to be 35 for insurance to cover it). I told her I would pay out of pocket. She then rudely ushered me off to my room to wait to be seen by the doctor.

The doctor was nice about the whole situation, and very comforting. He says the baby measured at 9 weeks 4 days. He said it was likely a chromosomal issue, and there's nothing I could have done. Still, I worried if I was to blame. Prior to getting preggo, my reproductive endocrinologist said I had great egg quality...so I was not expecting this. I was so shaken up that the whole thing felt like an outer body experience. It felt like a dream. Kind of like the moment they told me there were two sacs in there - I was in a daze. The doctor told me I could just come back for my blood work and the Materniti21 test later.

I went home and criedddddddddd for hours every day. I would even wake up in the middle of the night already sobbing. I keep pictures of my babies ultrasounds on my night stand so I can always look at them. I spent days just staring at my poor baby laying there lifeless. I was thinking about what could have been- what should have been. My husband tried getting me out of the house for small things to help me clear my mind. However, I was verryyy sensitive. We went to get food, and the song inside the store made me burst into tears right there in public at the register. I had to run out to the car. It was Easter weekend, and we didn't even go to church or see family. And it seems like I keep seeing baby twins everywhere now!

Finally, I told myself that I have to be stronger for Baby A so he/she can remain healthy. I felt so guilty for not watching their little movements during the ultrasound. Once I told myself I absolutely HAD to be strong for the health of  Baby A, things got a little better. I still cry daily, but it has gotten better each day.

I went to a different doctor today (at 10 weeks 6 days preggo) to get a 2nd opinion on Baby B. The doctor confirmed that Baby B was in fact dead, and had already started to dissolve. He/she measured at 9 weeks even today. Whereas last week he/she measured at 9 weeks and 4 days. They say the baby will be absorbed by my body, and does not put the healthy baby at risk.

I was able to get closure today at that ultrasound. I focused on Baby A, and how well he/she was doing. Baby A was a little gymnast today! It was flipping around and moving its little arms so much that the doctor had a hard time getting a good shot! I am so blessed to have been pregnant with both babies, and so happy that Baby A is still thriving. I guess I feel comfort knowing that Baby B will be re-absorbed into my body and in some ways will always be a part of me. It's not going to be easy, but I have to move forward for the health of my other baby, and myself.

I am still taking it day-by-day. Please continue to pray for my babies, my husband, and myself. Also, my weekly preggo stats and ultrasound pics are below! These pics were taken last week when we found out baby B was no longer with us. On the bright side, I can tell they both have hubby's stick-out ears. Too cute! I think baby A has my chubby cheeks.

Today's Date: 4/22/14

How far along- 10 weeks and 6 days pregnant

Baby is the size of: Kumquat

Favorite moment this week- It was a pretty depressing week. I guess resigning from my job Wednesday was the best thing (I gave 2 weeks notice prior)?? Also, finding out Baby A was still alive and thriving was a big blessing.

Miss Anything: Having both of my babies :(

Movement: I have felt something, but it could just be gas!

Food cravings-  Burgers, fries, gyros, Popsicles, and Philly cheese sandwiches

Anything making you queasy or sick-Veggies lol

Have you started to show yet- Yes! People have actually started to notice!

Weight Gain: 1.8 pounds up from pre-preg weight

Exercise: Some walking here and there. 

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I had pre-pregnancy lol! But I just started applying my prevention creams and oil last night!

Belly Button in or out- In

Gender- Don't know! My prediction is Baby A is a boy, and  Baby B is a girl. I took the Materniti21 blood test today. It tests for chromosomal abnormalities, but also gives gender too. The results should be back withing the next two weeks.

Sleep: It was rough after finding out that Baby B died. It's getting a little better each day...but I'm not getting the best sleep. The preggo pillow (Snoogle) does help though. 

Looking forward to: Feeling better with not so much nausea. Also, a real  baby bump! I'm also looking forward to delivering Baby A I never knew pregnancy was so stressful. I just want my baby to get here safely!

Other Notes: My linea nigra has gotten even darker, and now seems to be spreading to above my belly button as well. My skin still looks like crap. I also still have sore boobs, and itchiness from wearing a bra.